Never Ever EVER EVER Fight a Brazilian

Especially If They Are Mixed Martial Artists

*shout out to ModernMan.com!

Let us pretend, just for kicks, that you, the reader, have suddenly found yourself in a precarious situation, faced with the prospect of having to defend yourself against a citizen or former citizen of Brazil. Maybe you started it, maybe he started it...doesn't matter. If there is one thing that being a loyal fan of mixed martial arts (MMA) has taught me, it is this: never ever EVER EVER fight a Brazilian, not under any imaginable circumstances. I mean, I suppose you could conjure up a scenario wherein you've entered an office pool, aptly titled the Poorest Decision Contest, or you're a contestant on that new reality show, "Who Wants to Live the Least?"...and there is a lot of money on the line. But even then, you are probably making a mistake.

Why? The answer begins at the root of mixed martial arts, long ago, when the Brazilians inherited and developed the ancient...you know, let's skip the history lesson. It's because of dudes like Mauricio "Shogun" Rua. 

For all the UFC fans out there, I know what you're thinking: Rua was recently the victim of a brutish mugging at the hands of American wrestler/soulcrusher Jon "Bones" Jones, causing the Brazilian punisher to lose his UFC Light Heavyweight title. Yes, this is true. But we were talking about YOU getting in a fight, weren't we? Jonny Bones might have been able to handle the feared Shogun, but try it for yourself, and within about five seconds they will have to call NASA to locate your head after Shogun soccer-kicks it into the stratosphere. Here's what ESPN's Sport Science had to say about Shogun's formidable foot (and leg, obviously): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvU8vzrBjeQ(it's basically the Kick of Death).

You know who Rua's best bud is? The guy who you would ostensibly be the one to pull Rua off of you while he stomped your skull as casually as most of us make a pot of coffee? Shogun hangs with a gentleman who goes by the moniker of "The Axe Murder". Meet Wanderlei Silva.

You don't get that nickname for selling more popcorn than the rest of the boy scouts in your troop; you get it for causing bloody violence to occur, for fighting as if you are the only natural predator in the jungle. Like Blanka from Street Fighter II (another legendary Brazilian beast), this guy will choke, kick, knee, punch and possibly claw you without mercy (at least he can't give you electric shocks) until you are no longer recognizable to loved ones. After the bloodletting, though, he might help you up and give you a few pointers. People say he's a heck of a nice guy.  He looks it.

So what, right? You could spotlight a couple of superhuman aggro pain-administering borderline psychotic scalpers from any number of countries, right? No matter where you go, you're bound to find at least a couple of guys, often fighters (or inmates), who don't have that hesitation-toward-violence switch that normal people have. Okay. Let's find a couple more examples of why you should never ever ever ever engage in a melee with a Brazilian under any circumstances. These next two guys perhaps aren't as aggressive as Shogun Rua or The Axe Murder Silva. No, these next two aren't like that. They're like this: the best fighters in the world.

Jose Aldo is the UFC Featherweight champ. He's a kid! Only twenty-four, and I know what you're thinking: look at that aw-shucks smile! He's a little guy! You weigh like 215, and you can definitely take this kid! You've never been so wrong. It could be that no one has ever been so wrong. You cannot take this kid, unless you're talking about giving him a ride wherever he wants to go before he kicks your ass in front of your girl. Jose Aldo's bones are made out of a rubber tree, they are dangerous weapons, and any beef you had with him would be beef you regret more than the time that Gordita Supreme gave you food poisoning. Aldo does this to professional, future Hall-of-Fame fighters. Now, what would he do to you?

Rua, Wandy Silva, Aldo...who is left? How many badass Brazilians are out there?

How about the best fighter on planet Earth? His name is Anderson "The Spider" Silva, and the good thing about any hypothetical fisticuffs an Average Joe like yourself might find yourself engaged with Silva, the UFC Middleweight Champ, is how small the chances are that you would even know what had happened to you. The blows would come too fast for your nerves to properly acknowledge them, and you'd be out on the side of the road attempting to unscramble your brain, body and bow tie before your cognition skills were able to process anything more than the fact you survived. Mostly survived. 

We're clear on this, right? Never, ever EVER EVER? And which dangerous Brazilian fighters did I leave out? Who are your favorites?