TO: iPHONE CUSTOMER SERVICE, PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT, APPLICATION SERVICES...REALLY ANYBODY AT iPHONE OR AFFILIATE WHOSE CHECKS ARE SIGNED BY STEVE JOBS. THIS LETTER REALLY NEEDS TO GET TO HIM.
FROM: A. PETTICOAT
Take revenge on my enemies is what!
I'm talking about fucking them up!
I want a downloadable app that will turn all the stoplights green as my enemy nears the intersection.
I want an easily affordable app where I can type in what my enemy is having for dinner as we meet at a neutral site for a truce and it will then tell me which poison is best to blend into the food. Arsenic is no good with Italian, everybody knows that, but what other advice goes beyond that? I DO NOT have time to google it, my enemy only takes like thirty seconds to pee. If he's a he. If it's a girl, maybe I just google it then.
How about involving throwing stars in this app? Throwing stars is something that seems like it'd be easy for an iPhone to do.
I want a sleek, customizable app that will frame my enemy for a murder. This revenge scenario will likely require the phone itself to also be capable of murder, in case the owner is not.
The app should also have the ability to falsify documents, forms of identification, and possibly launder money.
Steve, when this finds you, let me know what you think of my ideas. Just to keep the playing field level--or perhaps with just a slight edge in your favor--I also sent this idea to Bill Gates. But legend has it he takes FOREVER to check his email. Don't take it personal...I'm ready to get paid, bitches!
A.P.
No comments:
Post a Comment