pencil-thin chinstrap

I had a problem and yo Vanilla Ice solved it!

Today's letter was almost going to be TO THE HIPSTER MUSTACHE, WHOSE INTENDED IRONY IS BECOMING IRONIC ITSELF, but chinstraps are more fun, I think.

TO:  THE WEARERS OF THE PENCIL-THIN CHINSTRAP BEARD

FROM:  ALEJANDRO "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU KEEP THAT CHINSTRAP BEARD SO AMAZINGLY THIN" PETTICOAT

Yo, the all the womens is flockin to your junk based on your choice of facial hair design!

Every single one of you, down to the very last dude, looks like a watered-down version of that guy from Color Me Badd.

WHICH IS FUCKIN SWEET, BY THE WAY!  It is no coincidence that Color Me Badd was easily one of the top five greatest gifts ever bestowed unto the female gender.  Hands down.  HANDS DOWN!

That being said, I'd like for you to consider this an ode, though without any of the formal constraints of verse.  The pencil-thin chinstrap beard is the ultimate weapon for the male against female selection.  This is known.  Darwin wrote about this.  No woman within the normal ages of sexual reproduction can resist it.  Boys learn this as early as middle school.  If you have an ultra-thin line of facial hair meticulously groomed along the contours of your jawline, a female will copulate with you under almost any circumstances.  If all men had the discipline and debonair style of the thinly-chinstrapped man, the world would overpopulate until it toppled out of orbit from the weight of all the newborn babies. 

The chinstrap can be gangster, indicating toughness and a rugged nonchalance.  If I'm wearing it I'm saying, Hey, I'm reckless.  I'm potentially kinda gangster-ish.  If you need me to show up on the scene in a tilted hat, I can be there.

But also--also!!--the pencil-thin chinstrap can denote a refined level of sophistication.  It can serve as a dapper accessory to a tie and a collared shirt.  It can say, if you need me to show up for my court date in reading glasses as if I wear them every day, I can.  And will.

Some people want to hate on the pencil-thin chinstrap and all of you fine fellows who sport it.  Penguins included.  They want to say that you are all posers.  For the record, I totally disagree, and I hope you that you never, ever shave that fine line of facial hair circumnavigating your chin.  I realize that, by endorsing you, I am greatly reducing my chances to ever get any of that sweet poon that flocks to your strap, but I don't want you to worry about me.  You just keep being you.  Nothing says sexy and debonair like that well-kempt shit you've decided to grow on your face.  This is bigger than any of us.  This goes back to brave men like that guy from Color Me Badd, like Vanilla Ice.  Such is the company you keep, my friends.

**Upon closer study, this isn't exactly a pencil-thin chinstrap on my man Vanilla here.  Actually, it's just a shadow.  But the fact is that the good ones, the astoundingly razor-thin chinstraps, are too elusive for even the internet to record in history.  They are the snow leopards of beardly design.  And you KNOW that V.I. has at least once (and probably multiple times) in his life been among the tribe of thinly-chinstrapped men.
  
Word to ya motha!  
Petticoat