camera slut

TO:    EMPEROR HIROHITO
FROM:  ADOLF HITLER

They finally did the math on whose armies killed the most--I think you won, holmes!

The more I read about you, the more I'm like, oh, snap, son!  Your people were definitely more evil than mine.  No contest.  This is not unadulterated flattery, as all who know me know I have a tendency for.  I was trying to read this Wikipedia entry on Japanese War Crimes...couldn't even get through it, bro!  No shit.  Turned my stomach.  Once I get to the shit about Unit 731, I'm done.  I actually become pretty appalled, between me and you.  And I'm freakin' Hitler!  I just hate the idea of flesh.  Can't touch it.  But you motherfuckers, your soldiers, they ate their enemies!  Well, civilians too.  Tied dudes up to tent poles and sliced flesh from their bones and left them to die.  Ooh, you nasty!

And you had the comfort women, and your soldiers held contests to see who could be the first to kill one hundred people with a sword, and a ton of other super-ill shit.  I mean, why is it that you don't get the recognition you so truly deserve?  I can't help but think your people are kind of bummed because you don't get credit for being the most brutal, terrible, murderous fighting army of the modern era.  There's a lot of fear and respect coming with that reputation.  Instead of showing love to your people's list of great atrocities, everybody fixates on me, a vegetarian who loves to paint.

For me, I basically think of us as the reverse of the Steve McQeen/Clint Eastwood dialectic.  Would you have guessed those cats were the same age?  But McQueen died relatively young, and since they filled roughly the same niche, the world moved on and Eastwood became the bigger figure in the long run.  I am definitely the Steve McQueen of genocide.  So, how you did NOT become the Clint Eastwood of genocide and barbaric atrocities in general, Hirohito, I'll never understand.

Obviously, though, I was killing Europeans.  That helps.  But also, something you should have talked to me about was brand recognition.  You see that swastika, you know atrocity is waiting in the next room.  Indiana Jones is not freaking saving you, know what I mean?  The symbol alone cranks up the heartbeat of the world.

Plus, the camera loves me.  You were going for that rarely-seen-villain-mastermind vibe, which is cool, but I was such a huge slut for the camera.  No denying it--and it paid off, in my opinion.

And personally, I'm one of those people who thinks that history is more obsessed with me because the Jews own all the media.  I know it sounds a bit racist, but I'll say it anyway.  I mean, shit, I'm Hitler.


Zigheil!  Holla at ya boy, HITO! 

Adolf